Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
