hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
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