i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
