dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
