It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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