im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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