at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
