My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Randomize
