it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
