i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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