I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
