I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
