guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
