i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
