you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
