I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
