Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
