Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.