So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
