Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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