Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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