I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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