you guys were way drunker than both of me
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
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There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
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I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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