but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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