Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
