Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
