I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
