I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
