Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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