Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
