did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
