I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
