my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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