I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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