I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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