my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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