How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
