we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
