A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
