if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
