I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
