She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
