I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize