If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
