Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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