i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
