I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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