i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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