He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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