I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
