I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Boobs speak an international language.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I supernannyed him into submission
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
