I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
