im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
