Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
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