I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
