sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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