I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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