I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
