remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
