This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
should my penis look like a turkey
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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