Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
