you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
