Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
