You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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