Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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