I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
